Who We Are And Why We’re Goblins

Before we venture onwards, gentle reader, it feels right to introduce ourselves and to explain why we’ve slapped the label of “goblin” around the place.
Just to be polite. 

To be called a “goblin” in our household is more or less a badge of honour.
It describes delightfully gross, mischievous or otherwise acceptably* naughty behaviour, though behind the fun is a slightly more serious tone.

We know that society expects girls to be well-behaved, mild and frankly, boring. We want our two awesome female children to understand their own worth and joyfully take up space. So we encourage them (and ourselves) to embrace their wild, loving, rascally selves and as such, we are raising some very gobliny babes. 
And they are being brought up by some very gobliny grown ups, as you’ll discover.
But who are we?

Sun Queen – the eldest child. Incredibly kind-hearted, gentle and sensitive by nature. She has a vivid imagination and a talent for storytelling. When left to her own devices she often enjoys turning cardboard, string and other household items into a variety of fascinating treasures. 
Goblin Tendencies: loves fart jokes and shiny beads. Makes potions out of snail slime and whale butter. Once left a collection of blown up gloves filled with an unknown liquid in the bath, we still don’t know why. 

Moon Queen – the youngest child. Rambunctious, deeply extroverted and brimming with gumption. She loves making new friends and play-fighting with her dad. We hope this may translate into a love of sports or a black belt in later life.
Goblin Tendencies: Moon Queen is pretty much 100% goblin and we can’t do much about it. She will fart on you whilst shrieking with laughter, get ice cream in your facial hair and will eat anything off the floor. Constantly sticky. 

Gary aka The Dad – long-suffering husband of Zoe. Gary is the primary reason why the children are still alive, he is a living subversion of parenting gender roles, a stable foundation the rest of the mania is built upon. Enjoys having vendettas and a steadfast refusal to let go of a grudge.
Goblin Tendencies: wears long dead underwear, t-shirts and knows 101 gross mouth noises that he employs on a regular basis. Constantly threatens to eat children but this has never been verified. 

Zoe aka The Mum – wife of Gary. Benevolent tyrant and fulcrum of the household. Scatter-brained, with a grand, magnanimous sense of generosity and a convincing aura of well-bred confidence.
Spends way too much time reading trash romance books and will often get verbally affectionate after she’s been fed. Cries when she wees. 
Goblin Tendencies: has a pathological inability to tidy up after herself combined with a tendency to make more mess than is reasonable in any situation. A bit bitey. Considers mortal peril “a good learning opportunity” for the children. Occasionally goes Too Far. 

Andy AKA Three Owls In A Mansuit – partner of Sammi. Reliable, sociable and chatty, he is often out with different groups of friends doing intensely nerdy stuff. Gradually learning to tolerate the children. Until recently the girls were convinced he was secretly three owls masquerading as a human man……
Goblin Tendencies: we’ve come to the conclusion that whilst he may dress up as a goblin, Andy is in fact a hobbit. He loves food, games and stories, and hates change (oh dear).

Sammi aka The Witch In The Attic – partner of Andy. Sammi is an agent of chaos, who on any given day can go from terrifying, to sweet, to pensive, to hilarious, to terrifying again. Any surface in her vicinity is in danger of being covered in paint. Often to be found wandering in nature with bits of foliage in her hair/pockets/bra.
Goblin Tendencies: A complete goblin. Shrieking, biting, potion making and general witchery, her bag is a home to much detritus and bits of dead animal. An instigator of pranks, will use your things… not always for their intended purpose.

Hilary AKA Grandma – mum of Zoe, wife of Stephen. Kind, soothing and warm, whose occasional flashes of irrationality are unfortunately hilarious. Hilary likes to spends her time seabathing, creating art, walking in nature and visiting interesting cultural places. 
Goblin Tendencies: also probably a hobbit.

Stephen AKA Grandpa – dad of Zoe, husband of Hilary. Gentle, perceptive, very witty and deeply weird. Enjoys investigating cityscapes and making strange lino prints. Makes up stories for the children that feature sentient plates of spaghetti and a hero called Captain Murderer (Disney has yet to approach us for the rights).
Goblin Tendencies: has a love for the absurd, obscene and grotesque. Carries a big stick. Cultivates an aura of mild menace (probably something to do with being an ex-lawyer). 

Rocky AKA The Handsome Prince – the first of our two cats. Rocky is our grown up rescue cat and possibly the most chilled out gentleman you could ever meet. At one of the girl’s birthday parties he voluntarily sat on the sofa surrounded by hyper four year olds being repeatedly poked in the face. He has no tail, we don’t know why.
Goblin Tendencies: will eat ANYTHING. Once brought home a snake, sadly dead. 

Perdita AKA “P” – found wandering the streets as a stray kitten, she firmly attached herself to Sammi and has been following her around ever since. A cat of very little brain. Doesn’t really understand what food is. Often tries to bury her dinner in the solid stone floor.
Goblin Tendencies: screams for attention at 5am, no concept of bathroom privacy, passionate zest for hunting worms. Once brought home a massive, living toad.

Further Cast Members – In addition to these Goblins (who will eventually be living in the same vicinity) there is a beloved Irish Granny and Grandad Goblin, many aunts and an uncle goblin and heaps of friend goblins who come and stay with us – when it is not a global pandemic.

All have gloriously goblin tendencies including, but not limited to:

– Collecting exotic adventures and rare potions from their round the world adventures.
– Cooking bacon in their underwear.
– Attempting to “acquire” as many dogs as possible.
– Chasing children with a bullwhip – to the children’s delight (it was the 80s).
– One unnamed goblin once slept on a bed without sheets for three months.

Wish us luck for next week as we plunge headfirst into moving, more on that in the next post!

*unacceptable goblin behaviours are unkindness, cruelty, bad manners and unauthorised weapons in your school bag.